Debate Advice For Every Democratic Candidate Taking the Stage In Ohio

Twelve Democratic presidential candidates will face off Tuesday night at Otterbein University in Westerville, Ohio, site of the fourth Democratic primary debate, hosted by CNN and the New York Times. Here is some unsolicited advice for each of the candidates designed to help them gain the upper hand over their opponents:

Andrew Yang: Don’t be such a nerd.

Cory Booker: Stop freaking people out.

Joe Biden: Institutional segregation. The banks. Triple the money we spend on trains. The kid’s name was Leon, but everyone called him “Juice.” We all remember the housing crisis. Raising the level of teachers on a budget. Never mind Venezuela. In the 1970s, or whenever we used to call it. Just tinker with the gramophone before pops came home for supper. Heaven forbid. Twice? Thank you.

Pete Buttigieg: Flex more.

Julián Castro: Let an illegal immigrant debate on your behalf.

Tulsi Gabbard: Continue to cite the Free Beacon in your quest to bury your opponents.

Kamala Harris: 1) Invite Greta Thunberg to the debate. 2) Arrest her for truancy.

Amy Klobuchar: Unite the American people behind a single issue: Bird murder.

Beto O’Rourke: Be true to yourself. No one will judge you.

Bernie Sanders: Don’t die.

Tom Steyer: Stop it.

Elizabeth Warren: 1) Prepare indignant defense of your “fired for being pregnant” story. 2) Await softball question.

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