A Comprehensive Guide to the Various Apartheids Plaguing America, From ‘Aquatic’ to ‘Zoological’

A Comprehensive Guide to the Various Apartheids Plaguing America, From ‘Aquatic’ to ‘Zoological’

Last week, in a decision that will almost certainly be reversed, the International Swimming Federation banned the use of an extra-large swimming cap designed specifically for “people with thick, curly, and voluminous hair.”

Washington Post columnist Karen Attiah condemned the ban, which is under review, as an example of “aquatic apartheid” that underscored the importance of critical race theory. “My natural hair (or braids) does NOT fit easily into those normal swim caps,” Attiah wrote. “The International Swimming Federation needs to get out of here with their aquatic apartheid!”

Attiah, who holds degrees from Northwestern and Columbia, is perhaps best known for suggesting that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D., Calif.), New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, and former president Donald Trump constituted an “axis of shevil” responsible for enabling white supremacists.

In the interest of educating our readers, the Washington Free Beacon has compiled the following comprehensive guide to various forms of “apartheid” plaguing the nation. Enjoy!

Aquatic apartheid

See above.

Balsamic apartheid

CNN apartheid

Diplomatic apartheid

Every single secretary of state has been white, except for the two appointed by former president George W. Bush (Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice).

Environmental apartheid

See: The overwhelmingly white membership of the House and Senate Climate Solutions Caucus.

Field goal apartheid

The NFL isn’t as woke as it claims to be.

Geographic apartheid

Holistic apartheid

See: The American Holistic Health Association board of directors.

Insane Clown apartheid

Both members of the iconic Insane Clown Posse duo (Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope) are white.

Japanese apartheid

Ethnic Japanese account for nearly 98 percent of Japan’s population. [Insert cringe face emoji.]

Keyboard apartheid

Lego apartheid

Masturbatory apartheid

CNN could have promoted a person of color to replace Jeffrey Toobin after the network’s chief legal analyst pleasured himself during an employee Zoom call. The network refused.

Neapolitan apartheid 

Octogenarian apartheid

The top three members of House Democratic leadership are at least 80 years old.

Pod Save apartheid

Quilted apartheid

American Quilter magazine deserves to be called out for its painfully white masthead.

Rhode Island apartheid

See: Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse’s (D., R.I.) all-white senior staff.

San Francisco apartheid

Track and field apartheid 

Ukelele apartheid

Vox dot apartheid

Windsor apartheid 

Xenon apartheid

The so-called noble gas was discovered by a couple of white dudes.

Yellow submarine apartheid

Zoological apartheid 

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